Seeking Patronage

I need a good old fashion patron.  Some aristocratic fellow, or madame don't matter to me, to set me up so I can just write for a couple years.  This grind of day job, eat dinner and hit the library for a few hours of writing a night takes it's toll after a couple years.  Now I was pretty lax in my dedication to my craft for those first few years, but I'm committed now and in it for the long haul.
Now some of you might say they have grants for that, and you'd be right. My issue there is that it takes all the fun out of the arrangement.  It'd feel like I'm writing for the state; politics don't give a shit for my prose.  Where's the aristocracy, my filthy and filthy rich old spinster, or elusive convict; I don't have a preference. The state blindly gives out grants, but who's there to appreciate it after I scribbled something hackish out.  No see, it just ain't the same.
I'll write make no mistake about that. Can't guarantee the form; novel, screenplay, pulpy Lothario tale, though most likely either of the first two.  And it'll be cheap. I can get by on say twenty five grand a year, maybe a little less. And I'll figure it out so it comes up as a charitable donation, win win.  And for that money you don't just get the feeling of assisting a creative mind, no I'd be at your service.  To an extent.  Got a dinner party I'll work the crowd, talk your ass up.  Someone might ask 'And how do you know the host?', 'Oh, she's my benefactor.' That line alone puts you into a whole new category of awe inspiring sophistication.
My skills are yours as well.  A close friend just passed and you're up for the eulogy, we'll sit down and create a loving, poignant and layered send off for the dearly departed.  Big board meeting, together we'll captivate and control all who sit around that big mahogany table.  Don't try to bring me in on a midnight round of sexting with your mistress, that's below both of us.  Feel free to tell me about it afterward though, I might could use it, and you will find yourself immortalized on the page.  This is not just your name on a plaque at the gallery this is a relationship. Me and you, you and me creating not just art, but life (did I just go too far there? No, I don't think so).
I will continue on, and this offer will not be the only thing I type out today.  Because with or without a patron I will write, that's what I do.